Updated: Feb 19, 2020
"Trust that dramatic changes only happen according to divine appointment."
Well it certainly has been a while, tribe. Happy 2019! 💫
I’ve been hidden away for a while in a beautiful "Sage Tower," doing, being, and living my spiritual path. Renunciation, abstinence, fasting, prayer, cleansing, asana, journaling, detoxing, meditation.... you name it, I did it in some form in 2018.
To be honest, these ascetic practices are not meant for everyone and no single form is better than the other.
These are just some tools, that sometimes balance me and help bring me to clarity at various times. Sometimes I use other tools; none are better or worse.
So what's my purpose and what does this have to do with the unexpected?
The wisdom and challenges they’d presented to me, as I reflectively closed 2018, had broken me into so many pieces. While still surviving, wanting to thrive, and wanting to throw in the towel MANY a time, the divine orchestration from God, source, the universe, the supreme architect - has always shown me, that I will be cared for and taken care of, as long as I remain true to my purpose.
I know that my purpose is to share the spiritual path by leading with my examples, healing from my trauma and sh*t (just like everyone else), and lending the tools and knowledge to maneuver through it as lovingly as possible. Friends, the path is not easy, but along the way, you get to discover so many more versions of yourself in the most humbling, challenging, and loving of ways. You get to explore, meet new people, meet yourself for the first time again and again, meet the challenges and look them in the eyes with love as best as you can, then pick yourself up and reintegrate again.
I think I'm ready to share my story.
Last year, a dear friend of 20 years got engaged; it was the first time we both recognized that we have never made the journey to simply see each other and spend time. Most times I have journeyed in the world, there was always an agenda of some sort attached. This agenda was to make time and space for someone who I love a lot.
Within the first 24 hours of taking a red eye from NYC, the unexpected happened. My friend's new fiancée could not comprehend why someone would take time to travel, make space for 2 decades of friendship and love, and simply come to spend time with another being. After 20 years of friendship, growth, and sharing, the new love of 6 months in totality of my dear friend sparked a rift that would change the course of my entire trip and perhaps our entire relationship. This trip that I had solely taken to focus on spending time with my friend had evolved into moving, finding a new place to stay, meeting new people, seeing a friend I had met only once before in Greece, staying at a friend of a friend's place, being gifted a lovely French styled room in LA, tanning, recharging, reading, and very deep conversations on the reflection of self, patterns, and growth.
Upon my new venture, I was able to connect with a funny, witty, intelligent man, my friend's brother, who I had never met in those 2 decades. The commonalities of witty banter, behavioral neuroscience, and conscious expansion were enough mental nourishment for two days of rest and refueling, before I was picked up by my soul angel.
Driving from Nevada City to scoop me up, a soul sister who I met in Greece earlier in the year, decided to come to LA. Not knowing where we were heading or where we were staying, we were welcomed with 2 nights of food and lodging by a BM tribe brother of hers. It turns out, he was in LA visiting his actual brother, who so kindly opened his home to 2 strangers and my friend's dog, Bentley. We were officially a little family :) Welcoming the new year with some quiet reflection, deep talks, mind expansion and mirroring, we took time to pause and revisit the Matrix. How ironic it was to watch this film on the brink of a new year!
On New Year's Day, our little family left without any set plans (once again.)
We stopped for coffee and doppios, contacted multiple airbnb's, ate great Mexican food, and became increasingly frustrated as we needed a plan (of some sort.) As if the heavens opened, we found a place before nightfall and enjoyed our first night with some spoils. After failed attempts and divine orchestrations of locking ourselves out, having the only lock in the house without a key needing to be drilled, tripping the fuse 2x, and sheer emotional exhaustion, let's just say the tension was high. The morning brought us some much needed conversation and blessed us with the gift of an additional room, one with a French themed claw foot bathtub, to which I happily accepted.
With space and time, we were able to relax, breathe, and reconnect as we usually had done. The one thing I had forgotten to mention is that this was the first time, my friend and I were sharing space and energy in 3D. We had developed a deep, soulful, and cosmic relationship over the last 8-9 months, keeping in contact over video and text messages since being neighbors in Greece. As much as you share your soul journeys, depths of pain and truth, and overall love with another, 3D is completely different from 2D.
This trip... this unexpected manifestation is something I vocalized in the Summer. I literally said, we should spend NYE together, but certainly had not expected it to actually come through. Moreover, what I narrated in my head of our complete complements to each other, certainly lended the illusion in mind thus far. Of course, being aware spiritually, paralleled with our already deep connection, allowed for some major patterns, thought cycles, emotional scripts, physical nuances and body language, to appear.
God manifested my mirror of holy truths, but this time with the love, capacity, gentleness, and next level guidance, that I was finally ready to receive. This being was the safe, open, honest, knowledgeable angel that I needed in human form. We can't hide our "isms" when we are in 3D; our facial expressions, tone, body language, reactions, and if you have the depth of connection of someone your soul trusts, ALL is revealed before you even share one word.
In my mind, I wrote a fun, easy-going narrative of the next time I would spend time with my friend after Greece. What God manifested was an opportunity for me to grow into the discomforts I push away, a chance to integrate outside from my "Sage Tower", a space to cry, break, release, feel the feels, live the emotions, make peace with the pain, be held, be loved, and be accepted....as is.
Every SINGLE person is your teacher on this path.
If you're willing to integrate and step out of your tower, you will see every opportunity as a chance to practice. It's messy as hell, but it is also so rewarding. The only way we get to know ourselves is to see how we handle, manage, accept, release, know, and experience conflict and discomforts. Finish the complete sentence and let others know what your preceding, middle, AND end thoughts are. When you start to feel too comfortable, it's a nudge to shift gears and practice adaptability. Shed the light on the dark parts so you don't have to wonder about it anymore. This practice of shedding light on darkness is one I continually nurture; however, what was new was not feeling ashamed of it.
My time sharing my whole soul, my shadow and my light sides, made me want to hurl many times. Someone, who loves me as is, got to see me and experience me, as me unfiltered and messy.
The messiness is what was most refreshing.
As perfectionists, as intellectuals, as anyone who cares, the desire to want to have it all figured out first before sharing is natural. What's also natural, is just how freaking messy it can be at times, and that is absolutely ok. This is fundamental practice of tantra; the union & acceptance of duality.
I was reminded that to truly be a sage is to accept and move towards the stomach churning, vomit feeling, nausea ridden discomforts, and to know that it's all a gift from above.
What I can honestly share with you from my experience for this new year is:
Feel the fear, and move towards it anyway☝️😉 .
....and if you're ready to expect the unexpected:
As perfectionists, as intellectuals, as anyone who cares, the desire to want to have it all figured out first before sharing is natural. What's also natural, is just how freaking messy it can be at times, and that is absolutely ok. This is fundamental practice of tantra; the union & acceptance of duality
Feels good to be back in the world. ♥️
I am so grateful for our time together, our solo journeys, our private & shared moments, and most of all divine love and cosmic orchestration. Thank you for showing up, as you are, my friend.
Giving goodness & love,